a step at a time

yes! i think i am one step closer to discovering...my dream. and by God, i will do it right this time. no more waiting. no more hesitating. just go for it.

and to mark this milestone (and also to finish the hair dye), i'm going to dye my hair all black.

the most important thing in my life

i called grandma a few days ago and we exchanged how-have-you-been-i'm-good kind of words. as always she ended the conversation, saying how expensive it would be for me to make a call and telling me to save the money for food expense. i have told her a zillion times that it was alright but uh well, i guess she's a much stubborn person than i am. also i have never been able to say no to her.

but this time she added something before ending my call.

she said to me,
"you don't have to force yourself too hard. as long as you can eat and sleep well, then it's alright. as long as you are well and happy, then it's okay."

come to think of it, she has always been like that. she always knows whether i'm troubled or sad. she would not ask me anything. she would just be there for me as she always has been. and the thought of having her beside me never fails to comfort me. it's like it's the most natural thing in the world for her to just stand beside me, quietly watching. and it's very comforting. just her presence alone, just that thought will be able to soothe me.

she may not be an angel or even a good person. i know she is not the good person that i always believed she was, ever since i was a child. now that i have grown up and am able to make a judgement, i just know that. it has always been there but i have always refused to see my grandma as a human. i always thought that she was an angel to me and everyone else (and she still is to me). but even if she is just a normal human like everyone else, i would and will still love her all the same and much more.

to me, she is the best grandma i could ever have and it doesnt matter if she's not as perfect as i always believed she was.

i love her just for who and what she is.

future oh future

gawd. i just finished talking with my mum on the phone. and guess what? yes sir, we were talking and worrying about my future yet again. urggh. i thought i'm done with all these thoughts and talks about the future thing! now it's just getting bleaker and bleaker with each talk and thought.

yes, it's true. i am so g.d. worried, distressed about my future. just look at everyone, as my mum has so helpfully pointed. most of my friends back home have already set their paths. most of them will finish their university and then they will go on to work in their related field of study. L is looking for job as a midwife in the hospital. H has finally opened her own garage while studying to get her economic management degree. F will start her training in some company tomorrow. D is going off to France for her training in some hotel. Ly will finish her degree in english at the end of the year and start teaching. P has just completed his study and is looking for a job as an accountant (at least he made feel better. i know he dislikes being an accountant, but he wants the security and of course the money that come with the job).

well, i'm happy for them. i really am. at least most of them know what they want or that they don't mind getting trapped into the future they have carefully chosen. the problem with me is that i do mind. i do mind with many things as a matter of fact. i already made an error in choosing food science so i told to myself that i would not make another mistake. i told myself to be sensible and hence i got myself into "the accounting world."

but lately, i've been thinking if i made another mistake. people around me have been saying that i made a good choice. but still all these do not make me feel better. it doesnt make all the anxiety go away. it's still there inside of me and it's stressing me out. i don't know what should i do. i'm not getting any younger and yet i'm still unsure of my step. my sis said it's never too late to discover what i want to do and to really do it. but right now, as i'm writing out my feelings and thoughts, i think i should not give up. yes, that's right. i should not quit halfway. i will continue with this course and if i still do not think that this is what i want, then i will keep looking. i will continue trying no matter how long it will take.

and that, dear Lord, will be my life's resolution.

Night Time Picnic

i just finished watching this kinda-weird-at-first movie. it tells the story of two senior year classmates in this high school which has this tradition of holding 80 km walk within 24 hours. these two classmates (boy A and girl B) who never talk to each other before also take part in this event. it is obvious in the movie that they have "something going on" from the way they always look at each other. and so when they begin their walks with hundreds other students. in their long walks, it appears that the girl is trying to talk to the boy but things keep coming between them. finally with the help from her friends and the boy's friend, they can walk together and eventually start talking. at the end of their walk, all of them step into the goal point hand in hand while smiling and laughing happily.

it was such a wonderful and meaningful movie. i was reminded by my wonderful days back in junior high where there would be many school events. i didnt really like school event back then. always thought it was a waste of my sleeping time. but after each event, i would think to myself that i wouldnt have it otherwise. aaah, the memory. it's such a sweet, comforting memory. if only i could stop those times.... aah that's right, speaking of those days, i actually dreamt about this ex-classmate of mine a few nights ago. now when i think about it, maria was actually kinda like phoebe (from FRIENDS) and in my dream, she was still like phoebe. cheerfully weird. we talked a lot, especially bout her new family. in my dream she was already married and even had an infant child. then somehow, i was at the back of a car and then she opened the door and tossed her child gently to me while asking me to take care of her child. she told me that she had to go and she was leaving her child in my care. lol. it's a weird dream, just like her.

anyway
.

.

.

well, i suppose that was quite an interesting conversation we have had despite the short time.

well, anyway

.

.

my housemate asked me to write a 600 words essay for her. i agreed since she has her hands full with her projects and her visiting relatives. well, how difficult would it be to whip up a 600 words essay if i could write a 1000 words essay in one night, so i thought. urgh, i really ought to slap this mouth of mine. it always says something before my brain tells it to do so. i even offered her to accompany her relatives if she was too busy for them. argh, i really must slap my mouth. anyway, it turned out that she only gave me a sentence for her essay topic. and it's not really a complete sentence. "relationship between space in design." duh. how the hell was i suppose to write about something that i don't understand and cant be found in the internet. right now, i don't even dare to step out from my room.

when we believe

perhaps mariah carey's "when you believe" is right.

"there can be miracle when you believe."

maybe people will change when there is someone who believes in him. even though there is a chance that you will get hurt when you are betrayed. even then, a person who believes in others is a much happier person because he simply believes. well after all, Jesus once said to, uh well, some people in the bible that "happy are those who did not see but believe."

and that's the kind of person i want to be. a person who believes.