i felt like some of these have been washed away, which is a good thing of course.
aah, today is sandra's engagement day. she's going to get tied down to a man she just met once. it's absurd i think. i know her mum, my aunt, has been complaining and saying that she should have just got her only daughter to get married fast since she's giving her so much headaches. if this is part of why my cousin got this desperate, then all of this is indeed absurd.
unless sand herself wants this of course. but i just can't help but wonder if this is really what she wants and not just another one of her indecisive, at-the-moment decisions. will she be really happy? is she even at least falling in love with him? it can't be love at the first sight! it's not as simple as it is. does she even know the guy? what happened to my uncle? isn't he worried for her precious and only daughter?
of course, if anything should go wrong (which i hope won't), we'll always be here for her. she can come back anytime she wants. we are still her family.
at the same time, i feel kinda thrilled for her too actually.
but her getting engaged reminds me of the fact that i'm not that young anymore and that the time for that to happen to me might come too someday. it's like i'm getting closer to all these turning point events in my life. and it scares me. i might get to experience what i have with rifai previously with another person and it scares the hell out of me. i don't feel like moving on. i want to keep what i have with him and live in this memory. i want to have a child someday and raise him/her as ours. i know this sounds absurd and wrong but when i picture my future family, it's always with him or at least with his memory. again, i know this is very wrong but i just can't help it. i feel that i will never ever get to feel how i felt back then with someone else again. and i do not want to. i feel that this memory is enough to get me by for the rest of my lifetime and that i am so very very lucky to have known and experienced it at least once. and i'll be fine even if i don't get to experience it again.
aah, today is sandra's engagement day. she's going to get tied down to a man she just met once. it's absurd i think. i know her mum, my aunt, has been complaining and saying that she should have just got her only daughter to get married fast since she's giving her so much headaches. if this is part of why my cousin got this desperate, then all of this is indeed absurd.
unless sand herself wants this of course. but i just can't help but wonder if this is really what she wants and not just another one of her indecisive, at-the-moment decisions. will she be really happy? is she even at least falling in love with him? it can't be love at the first sight! it's not as simple as it is. does she even know the guy? what happened to my uncle? isn't he worried for her precious and only daughter?
of course, if anything should go wrong (which i hope won't), we'll always be here for her. she can come back anytime she wants. we are still her family.
at the same time, i feel kinda thrilled for her too actually.
but her getting engaged reminds me of the fact that i'm not that young anymore and that the time for that to happen to me might come too someday. it's like i'm getting closer to all these turning point events in my life. and it scares me. i might get to experience what i have with rifai previously with another person and it scares the hell out of me. i don't feel like moving on. i want to keep what i have with him and live in this memory. i want to have a child someday and raise him/her as ours. i know this sounds absurd and wrong but when i picture my future family, it's always with him or at least with his memory. again, i know this is very wrong but i just can't help it. i feel that i will never ever get to feel how i felt back then with someone else again. and i do not want to. i feel that this memory is enough to get me by for the rest of my lifetime and that i am so very very lucky to have known and experienced it at least once. and i'll be fine even if i don't get to experience it again.
posted by Val | 3:14 p.m.
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