future again

Here am I am again. Stuck with the question about the future.

Funny how life goes.

Never thought I will get stuck at this crossroad again, but here I am..

It's not a pleasant process, but everyone goes through this and survive.
And on a different side, the Universe is telling me to stop pursuing. 

a toast

finally! something to celebrate!

this calls for a bottle of Ribena's finest! after months, my uterine linings have finally shed!


here's to my shed uterine linings! cheeerss!

omg. i am so drunk!

no, i have not been drinking. well, not alcohol. it's the damn caffeine. my hands are trembling, even now as i write this entry. my head is spinning and my mind is jumping from one to another. i can't stop giggling (i am giggling now!). i can't stop sweating. and oh good gawd, i am about to cry now.

I NEED TO GET MY ASSIGNMENT DONE!
I NEED TO REVISE FOR MY TEST TOMORROW!

no matter what i do, it is never enough!
no matter how much effort i put in, it is never enough!
no matter what i do and how much i try, it is never ever enough!

i don't hope for any gratitude! i just want you people to appreciate what i do. i don't need you to criticise and tell me that what i have done for you is not enough!

why? why is it that whatever i do, you are never satisfied? why do i feel that you would only love me when i do more? am i only loveable when i conform to do what you expect me to? so when i don't do what you expect me to, am i of no more value to you? is that how much i'm worth? just some errand girl who does your errand and someone whom you can vent your insecurities to?

well, let me get these out of my system! you people are ingrateful brats. i will not be the considerate errand little girl anymore. i will suck out as much as i can. just watch me!

devil's pawn

good god, the day when my damn phone freaks the hell out of me has finally come.

while i acknowledge its necessities, i was so much happier when i didn't have one. it was peaceful and whenever i felf like talking with my friends, i would happily dialed their numbers and they mine. and whenevr they called, i would answer (sometimes there was no choice since we didn't have caller id, but i would happily answer whenever they do).

but i don't anymore now. not since i got my stupid mobile. some persistent people just somehow didn't get the message when i didn't answer their call after they called for so many times in between 10minutes or so. it's so terrorising. whatever did i ever do to her to mmake her terrorising me like that? haven't i explained enough? was it really my fault that she didn't understand the subject because she only showed up twice throughout the entire lesson? haven't i ask her to come to class whenever i bumped into her?

i'm so frightened to even look at my own mobile phone now. i'm afraid and i know that she will call. i tried to ignore but it has reached to the point where i can no longer ignore the calls and smses. i have explained to her what i know and it's up to her to memorise or do something about it.

i felt like some of these have been washed away, which is a good thing of course.

aah, today is sandra's engagement day. she's going to get tied down to a man she just met once. it's absurd i think. i know her mum, my aunt, has been complaining and saying that she should have just got her only daughter to get married fast since she's giving her so much headaches. if this is part of why my cousin got this desperate, then all of this is indeed absurd.

unless sand herself wants this of course. but i just can't help but wonder if this is really what she wants and not just another one of her indecisive, at-the-moment decisions. will she be really happy? is she even at least falling in love with him? it can't be love at the first sight! it's not as simple as it is. does she even know the guy? what happened to my uncle? isn't he worried for her precious and only daughter?

of course, if anything should go wrong (which i hope won't), we'll always be here for her. she can come back anytime she wants. we are still her family.

at the same time, i feel kinda thrilled for her too actually.
but her getting engaged reminds me of the fact that i'm not that young anymore and that the time for that to happen to me might come too someday. it's like i'm getting closer to all these turning point events in my life. and it scares me. i might get to experience what i have with rifai previously with another person and it scares the hell out of me. i don't feel like moving on. i want to keep what i have with him and live in this memory. i want to have a child someday and raise him/her as ours. i know this sounds absurd and wrong but when i picture my future family, it's always with him or at least with his memory. again, i know this is very wrong but i just can't help it. i feel that i will never ever get to feel how i felt back then with someone else again. and i do not want to. i feel that this memory is enough to get me by for the rest of my lifetime and that i am so very very lucky to have known and experienced it at least once. and i'll be fine even if i don't get to experience it again.

after months of observation and careful judgement, i can so easily tell. and it's as if it would kill her to be discreet about it. no! she will not shut up!

o bloody 'ell!

it has come

it's inevitable. i have always known that. the time has come for me to really let go.

i have no regret that i did what i did. if i could do it all over again, i would still do the same thing. and i chose to believe in you. i did back then and i still do now.

it was and still is the most beautiful thing that has ever come into my life. it's like i finally understood what the fuss is all about when poets sing high praise over this.


you brought so much happiness and joy into my life. you taught me a great deal about things in life. you always gave me strength and courage when i needed. you supported me. you cared for me. you always believed in me. and i know that i had your love back then. i know that there'll always be a place for me in your heart, just as there'll be for you in mine.
i am what i am today, partly because of you. and for all these beautiful memories and experiences, i thank you.

if we were to meet again someday, i know i would be able to give you a sincere happy smile.