chronicles

i just sent a friend off at the airport hours ago. sigh. though we arent that close, it still felt kinda lonely.

aah. i dont know why i havent been able to sleep properly since my grandma was hospitalised last week. was it fatigue? but it should be over by now. aah anyway, i feel like sharing this to someone. it's been kept in my heart.

i slept at the hospital for 2 consecutive nights. it wasnt a pleasant one. my feet were swollen and numb because i was sitting on the chair for too long and on the second night, i slept on the floor. i couldnt sleep at all those two nights and i couldnt go back to sleep during the days because my grandma would be alone and my big family wouldnt allow that (though i must point out that if they really didnt want her to be alone then they should also come and we could take turns). but no, they didnt. i could understand that some of my aunts were busy with their young kids or their work. but, some of them just came as if they were visiting some strangers and left after a mere hour. i wondered what did my grandma felt then.

then, there was a secret call from one of my family members. my cousin attempted suicide. but it didnt kill her thank god. i was so worried sick. as if all those worries werent enough, i got a call from my mum. she said there was some kind of trouble at home too! i suspected this long ago but i didnt think it would re-surface again so soon and at this kind of time. i already anticipated for this news but i guess i could never do. then, all those things and memories came back to me. i almost burst into tears then and there. but i held it. i kept telling myself that it was alright. but i suppose i couldnt hold it anymore. somehow i just couldnt stop thinking of it. i rushed to the ladies then and cried silently there. it still burdens me now and i still cannot talk about it. i have never ever told anyone about this. i wonder if i could someday. it would be great if i could let it all out. it's been in my heart for too long.

then there are still issues about finding sponsors, scholarship issues, student visa, school application. there is a high chance that my student visa would get rejected and i cannot take care of everything yet because of my stupid trip! my offer letter isnt out yet and i have yet to find a willing sponsor. damn! have i done something really wrong in my previous life or something? aaah. there i go again. sigh..i'm about to go on a trip and yet i'm not excited about it at all. i have things to take care of before i can go and i have to ruin everyone's plan. sigh.... and yet i cant cancel this trip. everyone had done so much just so that i could go to this youth day and they expect me to do my hometown proud.

sigh. another burden.