it's been a while

it's strange how you cannot quite fit in or enjoy fitting into a group of ppl, particularly large group with different kinds of ppl there- different opinions, interests, values, etc. uh well yes, you can have fun with them and tell them stories and stuff; you can fit in but only to a certain extent and the relationship just cannot progress more than that. it's tiring and trying to try fitting in and i just grew tired and i stopped.

well i've been thinking and perhaps the reason behind this (part of it that is) hm...maybe it's because they are not fellow sagittarians. i cannot help but to believe that this zodiac-relationship kind of thing is actually true, at least for me it is.

well maybe i shouldn't have stopped but well why shouldn't i? if we really cannot really clique, then no point for me trying. i'm not gonna change myself just for the purpose of cliquing or pleasing somebody (or everybody). if they cannot see and accept me for who i am, then so be it.

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and ah there is another annoying thing that happened on late sunday night. my close friend was smsing me- saying hi-how-you've-been and stuff like that. then she confided in me about her a-decade-old quarrel with another friend whom i'm not close with at all but we do know each other since we are distant relatives. i remembered vaguely how miserable i felt when my close friend begged me to be the mediator and speaker for both sides (since both stubbornly refused to talk to each other but my close friend wanted to reconcile). they never did reconcile actually. though my relative friend told me her reason for not wanting to patch up, only god knows why they didn't. it still is a mystery to me. i didn't understand and couldn't comprehend her reasoning (so i just told my friend that she refused to be friends with her again and my friend really blew over and took the offensive answer as a war).

so fastfoward to last sunday, my close friend smsed me and begged me again to be the mediator. damn. she still thought i got a talent for this. what am i? UN peacekeeper?
well couldn't say that to her so i just agreed and i asked her to send an email during her bday or anyday actually. it's been ages i said. my relative couldn't possibly that cruel as to refuse her a reply. my friend agreed and asked me to somehow get my relative's email. i replied her that that shouldn't be a problem at all since my relative and i contacted each other through the damn friendster. then just before i fell asleep she replied, telling me how disappointed she was that i lied to her and betrayed her by contacting with my relative though she considered me to her best friend. hah. what a nonsense. contacting my own relative was a crime? by doing so, i betrayed her she said? for all the saints' sake, just what was wrong with that?

well, i explained to her then that my relative just added me as her friend and she made a comment on my page. what was i supposed to do then. don't reply her?
and our smses just ended with me explaining to her. well, even if she did reply me, i wouldn't have answered. it was already past my bedtime and i was kinda pissed. i mean would she love receiving told-off sms in ungodly hour?

for the love of all saints in heaven, i didn't think she would react that way.